The Endless Summer

I'm usually a very bright and happy person, but I'm also always very easily upset and I take most things extremely personally.  During the spring time, I had several events take place that really changed my life and the way I looked at the relationships I had with the people around me.  I started being extremely cautious and almost reclusive because I was so scared to let anyone get to me.  Being the Positive Polly that I am, that didn't last for long.  At the beginning of the summer, I had another ridiculous situation happen that was pretty much the final straw for me.  I decided then and there that I would stop expecting everyone to treat me the way that I treat them and not be so sure that everyone was as true as they came across as.  Best decision I've ever made.

You may think this is selfish of me, and you are absolutely right.  I've lived my whole life putting others before me, and all of my close friends and family know how true this is.  I try to always be a great person to everyone, regardless of whether or not they can do the least bit of good for me at any point in my life.  I decided that I was going to have a great summer, and no one was going to stop me.  There are about 2 weeks left of summer vacation, and I have done an OUTSTANDING job of keeping this promise to myself, and honestly I am about as happy as I've ever been.

In some ways, I know that I'm cutting myself short.  I am not letting people get to me nearly as much as I used to, and my emotional state has improved tremendously.  I feel like since I've pretty much removed all of my emotions from all of my friendships that I really have nothing to lose.  I've been more upfront and honest with everyone, and taken chances that I would have been too afraid to take before.  I met hundreds of new people doing tons of new things that I never would have gotten to do if I wouldn't have adopted this new mindset.  Most importantly of all, I've done things that truly make me happy, even if it's just for the moment.  I stopped saying no to things that were new or different.  I became a "yes" girl, and it has made this summer 100% unforgettable.

I feel like the friends I previously had are now closer to me, the new friends I made got the best of me, and the old friends who came back into my life regretted leaving in the first place.  The people who have done me so much wrong (especially within the last year) got HUGE reality checks, and karma sure showed them who's boss.  I try not to get too much joy out of other's misery, but when it's deserved as much as this, you can't help but smile a little bit :P

All in all, I wouldn't change one bitty bit of anything that has happened to me this summer, even though it was nowhere near perfect.  I have had the craziest of the crazy things happen to me, and have missed out on too many hours of sleep to even try to estimate.  I've gotten ridiculously sunburnt, as mosquito bitten as you possibly could be, blackout drunk, almost kidnapped, and stranded on the side of the road.  I've woken up in so many strange places wearing the weirdest combination of clothes imaginable.  I love every bit of all of this madness that I've endured and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  I just hope these next two weeks can live up to my expectations that have been set by the previous two months <3

Magic tricks and watermelon :]
Jillian.

Lions and Tigers and Bears

I love animals.  I love all animals.  I love every animal ever.  I am actually obsessed with animals.  Obsessed to the point that even when I see a ratty looking dog that's probably about to bite me, I'm still going to run up and kiss it on the mouth.  I cry when I see the Humane Society commercials on tv, and I get beyond pissed when someone has kittens or puppies and they don't invite me over to see them.  If you don't get the point already, then I don't think I can help you understand it.

All I have asked of every boyfriend I've ever had is that they please take me to the zoo.  That's all I want.  Guess how many times I've been taken to the zoo?  ZERO.  I just want to go see the fkn zoo creatures and no one will take me.  This has been going on since I was 16.  I'll be 22 in less than 2 months.  That's a LONG time to want something so simple.  It costs like, $15 to go to the zoo, and I've even offered to drive.  I've thought about going by myself, but I genuinely think I would try to climb into the tiger pit if I didn't have someone there to control me.  I've been straight up about how I'm gonna act when I finally go: Retarded.  Pretty much, whoever brings me to the zoo is going to get a lot of pats on the back and prayers from grandmothers because everyone is going to think that they took me out of the mental institution for the day so that I could go to the zoo.  They're going to look like a saint to everyone who sees us. 

I honestly think people are just embarrassed to be seen with me in most situations, especially those involving animals.  I get huge cartoon eyes with a big blue tear drop when I see birds in my yard, so you don't even want to know how I'm going to behave when I finally get to go to the damn zoo.  Now I'm getting mad just thinking about it.  I can't even discuss this any further.

ZOO ANIMALS.
Jillian.

You Wish (Mini Blog Edition)

Let's all pretend for just a second that everything we learned in elementary school from our mommies and daddies is actually true.  Now that we've played pretend for that one second, I'll go ahead and break the news to you: IT'S NOT.  If a boy calls you names and is nothing but mean to you, he doesn't like you, regardless of what you believed between the ages of 5 and 12.

I will start this out as nicely and as truthfully as I can.  I genuinely believe that if you love yourself and the way you dress and act, then nothing anyone says to you should sway you from being that way.  That being said, there is a HUGE difference between having a positive attitude and being straight up delusional.

We all learned growing up that if someone makes fun of you, it's 100% because they are jealous of you and that's it.  Period.  They want to be you and they want everything you have and that is the sole purpose that they have anything negative to say about you.  Wrong.  Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.  That is only true about .00001% of the time, at least that's the way it is in girl world.  I cannot tell you how many times I have died laughing when I see someone saying "Oh it's just because they're jealous."  I realize that it's a coping mechanism, and it's all that some people have, but if you like yourself then you shouldn't give two poops whether or not someone is jealous of you.  Some people go out in public looking like a legitimate circus clown mixed with a street walker and can't understand why people make fun of them.  "They're jealous that I look like I could fit right in with the Ringling Brothers and every prostitute in the gross part of Harlem at the same time!"  No one is jealous of that, I can assure you. 

I constantly get scrutinized for being too skinny.  Too bad for everyone else that I have zero control over how much I weigh since I have a real thyroid problem and not a made up one.  But guess what?  I absolutely love being this thin, even though I do wish I could gain enough weight to get a little junk in my trunk ;D  So people can make fun of me all they want, and it honestly doesn't phase me.  No, I don't think everyone is jealous of me and no, I don't think everyone wants to be me.  I just so happen to like myself enough that I don't need everyone else to like me too <3

Cheese and cake and cheesecake!
Jillian.

Sloppy and Shameless

First off, I'M SO SORRY I haven't written since April.  The world got in my way, and I let it knock my feet out from under me.  The good news is that I think I've gathered enough ammunition over the summer to shoot you guys a couple of really swell blogs.  So let's see how well I keep my word this time!

Due to the constant teasing/torture I endured all throughout elementary, middle and high school, I managed to build up a great personality (if I do say so myself ;D).  I'm very easy going, super down to earth, as energetic as they come, and pretty much the single most ridiculous person you will ever have the pleasure to meet.  Also, you cannot embarrass me.  I mean that in all seriousness.  If I do something stupid, I will be the first to call myself out for it.  In doing so, I have now taken away any power anyone could have over me in that sense.  You're probably thinking "Oh okay, so that sounds pretty easy."  Yeah, until you hear some of the situations I've gotten myself into.

There's a very classy young lady in me, I SWEAR.  She just so happens to be hidden under a massive pile of things that you think only happen to people on reality shows.  MTV would make a pretty penny off of me, considering I act like a legitimate fool on a daily basis for free.  If they would only send some cameras my way...

But seriously.  If you don't actually know me, you probably think I am just a drunken train wreck.  Too bad that's not true.  I frequent the same bars and clubs on a regular basis because I am a 21 year old college student, and that's what we do.  I remember when no one knew who I was, and now I can't turn a corner without hearing someone gossiping about me.  The really funny part of this is that most of the things they say are true, which kills me because they think they are really just getting me good when actually I was just telling that story not even 5 minutes before.  I think my favorite was when I went out a few weeks after my 21st birthday.  I was waiting in line for the bathroom at my favorite bar when I hear some girls choking to death and pointing at me.  I just kind of looked at them with my big ol eyes because I was trying to come up with my plan of helping them not die since they were clearly in some sort of trouble with all their coughing.  Oh but no, they were laughing really attractively.  Thank Jesus.  Anyway, they started saying something about me peeing in a parking lot or something on my birthday.  I would have just been like "Whatevz." but they were going over the top with it.  So I loudly say "OH, are you referring to how I stayed the night with my boyfriend the night of my 21st birthday and peed all over him while I was blacked out while we were sleeping in his sister's bed?  If that's what you were talking about, then get your story straight next time."  Then some guy with dreadlocks high fived me.  Like, whatever.  It happened and I honestly think it's disgustingly trashy and gross, but it's too funny not to tell people. 

I also like meeting new people that know me, but I don't know them.  There's always that point in the conversation where they go "Okay, I have GOT to ask you about this to see if it's true..."  Yep, it probably is, and I'm okay with that.  I feel like a small town tabloid celebrity and it gives me the giggles.  I'd rather be the way I am than be completely boring, because then I would be lonely.  Everyone wants to hang out with a crazy girl, but with crazy usually comes actual craziness.  Thank baby Jesus I'm just a hot mess when I drink AND that I'm a happy slop when I drink.  No problems over in this neck of the woods.  I think I actually have a good thing going for me, because I've honestly never been as happy as I've been since I decided I just legitimately couldn't care less about anyone who tries to bring me down.  I also appreciate my decision to put people on blast when they piss me off, since 9 times out of 10 I do nothing to bring it on myself.  Believe it or not, that usually brings me closer to that person because they decide really quickly that I'm not a good enemy to have since I'm no fun to fight with because I just make everyone look stupid, and I'm not even about to go causing a scene in public.  I actually do kind of wish someone would show up at my house trying to fight me though.  If I knew they were coming, I would honestly dress up in full indian gear and meet them at their car door with my dad's bow and arrow pointed directly at their throat.  No one wants to f**k with a skinny girl dressed like a Native America, no siree. 

I forgot what I even started writing about.  This whole blog was crap, and I'm sorry for that.  I just needed a little warm up.  Promise the next one will be better!

Pancakes and pandas!
Jillian.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Okay, I know that everyone says that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."  Well this is true, if you are given credit where credit is due.  "Hey Jill, your boots are gross and they make me puke." *ONE WEEK LATER* (Same girl who told me my boots were ugly) "OMGEEBUS GUYZ.  I just bought these totally unique boots and I have never seen/heard of/thought of anyone wearing them before me!  BLAHAHAHA! Isn't this so amazing that I'm super original?!"  BOOM.  That was me shooting you with a gun.  Not really.  I've never even shot a gun, which is a good thing, because I'm a pretty angry person.

This used to happen to me on a daily basis in high school.  Especially whenever skinny jeans very first started showing up in magazines.  I bought a pair from like, American Eagle or something, and EVERYONE made fun of me for wearing them.  Too bad they were the hot new trend the next year, huh guys?  Oh, but too bad for me, because no one listens to me when I'm alerting everyone of a new and upcoming trend or something.

Now I'm dealing with this problem with my photos shoots that I do.  Every shoot I have done has been either premeditated by the photographer or myself and if it is inspired by something, we will list it as such.  Never have we ever taken someone else's work and said "You know what?  Let's buy this exact shirt, skirt, pair of tights, pair of heels, and lipstick and do your hair just like this and do this exact pose and then photoshop the sheeeeet out of it so it looks just 100% exactly like this one that someone already did!"  No.  That is stealing.  And it's not being creative. 

So needless to say, it amuses me when I see people who end up with pictures from photo shoots that look E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. like mine do.  AND they come in a timely manner, like within a few weeks after I post the new shots, sooooo that's kind of hard to deny.  It's also kind of hard to deny when half my friend list on facebook messages me about it saying "Holy Guacamole did you see Copycat Caren's pictures?!  They're like, super mega similar to yours that you JUST put up like 8 days ago!"  Yeah, friend.  I did see that.  Thanks for just confirming my suspicion.  At least I get paid for what I do.  So even if my work is getting stolen, at least I actually made some c@$h m0n3yy. 

I can't think of anything else to say.  Forgive me -_-

Cherry pie and whipped cream <3
Jillian.

Kwitcherbitchin

"If you want to be happy, then be."

Everyone is allowed to be sad and everyone is allowed to hate their life every once in a while.  It's normal and it's healthy.  What is not normal and healthy (and also hella annoying) is when someone can do NOTHING but be sad and complain about how everything in their life has gone to the dogs and they have nothing to live for and no one makes them happy and all that jazz.  It wouldn't be that bothersome to me, except these people choose to vent their issues to me 24/7 and then get on my case if I stop talking to them about it.  Hey, guess what?  STFU.  I don't really care that much about your "problems", because you don't actually have any.  If you did, I could try and be a little more sympathetic about it, I really could.  But it gets pretty tedious that I wake up hearing about how your life sucks, I go through my day hearing about how your life sucks, I go to bed hearing about how your life sucks, and then at random times I hear about how I'm not replying to your texts about how your life sucks.  My life does not revolve around your childishness, and I'm not even about to make it that way.

You know why your life isn't as bad as you think it is?  Number one: You have a cell phone OBVIOUSLY because you constantly harass me with it.  You're already doing exceedingly better than most of the world's population with that little fact alone.  Number two: You live in a house.  I don't care if it's not your dream home, but you have a roof over your head.  Number three:  You can talk, see, hear, walk, think, drive and make decisions.  Don't even get me started about those statistics.  Number four:  Going along with number three...YOU'RE ALIVE.

Those are in no way numbered in order of importance, just the order that they popped into my head.  And clearly that is in no way all anyone has to live for. 

And thennnn the complaint switches to "I have no friends."  Why would you?  No one in their right mind wants to be miserable, nor do they want to be around someone who refuses to just try and be happy.  It would be a completely different story if you were going through a hard time and needed a shoulder to cry on, that is completely acceptable.  However, my shoulder gets a little soggy when all someone does is use it as a tissue, and I can only take so much before I'm waterlogged to the point of just dropping you out of my life for good.  This brings me back to the problem I have about wanting to fix everyone.  I hate accepting the fact that some people are just broken and cannot make themselves see the bright side of things.  Even when I have been at my absolute lowest point in my life, I have been able to see the silver lining to the dark cloud that was hanging over me.  I'm not the most positive person ever, but I do look at things realistically and know that every little "bad" thing that happens to me isn't the end of anyone's world, including mine.

The worst part of all this, is the fact that I've tried to talk to these people about how they insist on being miserable.  And God knows I'm VERY nice about it, since I hate hate hate hurting people's feelings.  I do like to talk things out though...anyway.  You know what their reaction is?  "Well then you're not my friend anymore."  Okay.  So now you have no friends.  Good job.  Trust me, the only thing that will change now that we "aren't friends" anymore is that I don't have to get woken up 45 times in the middle of the night because you constantly call and text me.  So I guess I should say thank you.  I won't lose any sleep over it...LITERALLY ;D

Chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate! >:]
Jillian.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT

I don't like to beat around the bush, nor do I like to play childish games.  I have no control over what anyone does except me, myself, and I.  Now that I've said that, on to the main point of this blog.

Why would you ever intentionally start an argument with someone?  Especially by saying "You know what you did" or "You know why I'm mad at you".  Nope, can't say that I do.  And now that you started off the conversation like that, I immediately stopped caring about whatever it is you are trying to argue with me about.  I am a little bit too busy to sit around and play guessing games with you, so how about we just skip that whole segment and you just tell me what's bothering you? 

What's even worse than this though, is when someone isn't actually smart enough to continue the argument that they started and they start pulling random insults out of the air and throwing them at you.  "I am so mad at you for going to the movies without me!"  "Well, you didn't answer my call when I told you we were leaving."  "You look like a turd with a Jew nose!"  Yeah okay.  That makes a ton of sense.  That's not a real thing that's happened, but I mean I wouldn't be surprised if it really did.  I actually kind of like arguing with idiots though because their face gets all red and they start stomping around and sweating and I'm laughing on the inside.  I also like when someone tries to argue with me over something they do not even know the smallest bit of information about.  "Hi, I'm Jill.  My mom is a Nurse Practitioner, so I have a marginal knowledge about the medical field."  "Hey Jill, did you know that you can't get the chicken pox more than once?"  "Oh, actually you can.  That's just an old wives tale."  "NOPE YOU CAN'T BECAUSE MY NEIGHBOR'S CAT TOLD ME SO.  AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD WITH A JEW NOSE."  Kind of going along with this, I also like it when someone tries to agree with everything I say just to seem smart, which I catch onto and then decide to mindfk them.  I'll say a bunch of facts and then one big fat lie and they're all "Omg yahhh! That's sooo right!"  Like this one time I was talking to my friends from high school and I started making up some random situation just to see what they would say and they were like "Ohhh I remember that!  That was so crazy!"  Yeah, that would have been so crazy if it would have actually happened, which it didn't.

Arguments are one thing, but fights are not for me.  If anyone ever told me they were going to fight me, I would either A) Get a baseball bat and knock them out. B) Spray them with my pepper spray, then get a baseball bat and knock them out.  or C) Call my dad, who would bring a baseball bat to knock them out.  But really, fighting is so trashy, especially girl fights.  I hate watching them because whoever is actually fighting just looks like a big dumb spider monkey swinging their arms all over the place.  Although, this one time in high school...and this really happened by the way.  These two 'bigger' girls got into it outside the cafeteria.  They were kind of just hopping around in a circle while everyone was standing around waiting for something to happen.  Then we all got the shock of our lives.  One of the girls (who never really moved much, let alone displayed any sort of athletic ability) straight up scissor kicked the other girl in the chest.  Oh. Man.  I'm pretty sure I dislocated my jaw when I saw that, because I didn't think anyone actually knew how to scissor kick, let alone would think to whip out that move in the Quad after lunch.  The fight was pretty much over after that, but I will never forget the majesty and awe I felt afterward.  (I actually forgot about that whole situation until I started writing this blog, but that last little sentence spiced things up a bit, so oh well).

Margaritas and rock candy!
-Jillian.